Lockdown Sucks Balls!

So…how’s lockdown 3 working out for you guys so far?

Here’s my observations regarding this pretty shit situation we all find ourselves in…

Lockdown 1- The Novelty Phase

Now, I am only speaking for myself, but this phase definitely had a ‘holiday’ vibe, or at the very least a ‘snow day’ feel! Those of us not used to the joys of working from home getting swept up in the giddy excitement of wearing our PJ’s to work! The thrill of taking a zoom call, secure in the knowledge that no-one had a clue that you weren’t wearing anything from the waist down, but the knickers you wore to bed the night before!

Let us not underplay the euphoria of getting that extra hour in bed each day, saved from the usual trials of the morning commute to the office, shouting at the charitable Karen in the car in front, for giving way to every Tom, Dick, Harry along with their extended families! Smacking the steering wheel in frustration…

“SOME OF US HAVE A JOB TO GET TO KAREN! MOVE…THE…F##K…ALONG!!!”

“AMBER DOES NOT MEAN STOP…IT MEANS ‘PUT…YOUR…F##KING…FOOT DOWN!”

“WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR???? A WRITTEN INVITATION TO PULL THE F##K OUT???”

Working from home, where your most pressing concern is ensuring the mouse gets regularly ‘wiggled’ before the screen times out, alerting bosses and colleagues that you have stepped away from the dining table/home office, slacking in your duties, to bake that biscuit recipe you saw on Instagram.

Working from home, where according to your office protocols, it is perfectly acceptable to pour yourself a triple G&T before the working day is done…after all, it’s not like you have to drive anywhere! Although…in hind sight, it’s probably best that you get all the important emails done before ‘wine o’clock’! 

The reality of Covid was terrifying, but from the safety of your four walls, seemed like something that ‘other people’ will get! After all, no virus could survive the amount of gin you’re knocking back…alcohol kills germs right???

The number one, biggest fear at this point? Running out of loo roll!!! Remember those empty shelves? Who the hell decided that, because of this deadly pandemic, our number one commodity and priority was bog roll! What sheep we all are…I scoffed at the idiots for bulk buying and denying the elderly their fundamental right to wipe their ass in comfort!!! And yet…there I was, first in line at the supermarket, thermometer firmly positioned rectally, to prove to the security detail on the door (that’s right, we will all look back and remember the times when it was harder to enter Waitrose for a weekly shop, than storm the Capitol in Washington!) that I was not one of the infected! Making a beeline for the toilet roll aisle, after re-stock! Like a bowling ball on a collision course for a strike, I was not stopping for anyone…

“Outta the way grandma….’

Oh, the joy of living in a city, when you realise that Deliveroo don’t just deliver takeaway! Groceries, ice cream, not loo roll, but definitely booze…were all just a mere click away! Let the poor Deliveroo couriers fight their way through the Zombie like apocalypse outside, to bring you yet another bottle of Pinot Grigio…! Also, realising that you can buy booze…in bulk…from Amazon…cheaper than the stupid supermarket too!!! It really is the small things in life that bring joy!

During this first lockdown, I lived in an apartment looking over a park. I loved living vicariously through the dogs running freely outside. Their ‘poo trips’ deemed essential, and as such they ran freely with wild abandon…not bound by convention, slaves to 2 ply, soft touch toilet tissue…no! They were free!

Whilst watching these dogs, I noticed quite a large number of people flouting the lockdown rules! Other residents, meeting on the lawn…definitely NOT a ‘pig apart’ in distance, sharing beers, bottles of wine and whilst I envied them their break from the isolation, I resented them more! It became a daily obsession. I became that curtain twitching busy body:

‘STEVEN…COME HERE…their bloody out there again. Look at them, smug twats! Not a bloody care in the world! They’re on their 3rd bottle of wine…They sent the tall one back to the flat to get more! OUTRAGeous….Steve…can you see? Look at them…Oh, and babe, can you top me up please? Don’t give me that slimline shit either….’

The biggest thrill of my day was when the police rocked up on their bikes, to give them a ticking off and move them all along…but, less than an hour later, they would return, and this time with canopes! F##kers!!!!

We set ourselves a challenge, to give our day purpose! We would work from 8-5, no TV, no talking, then we would cook some banana loaf or soda bread, drink more gin and start our movie marathon! Our first challenge was to watch all the Marvel films in chronological order, then the Jason Bourne films, all the Rambo’s, Hunger Games, Divergent, even the 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy (got to get our exercise in somehow…those homemade, gin fuelled calories don’t just burn themselves)!

Lockdown 2- What???

Is it just me? But I can barely remember this one! Is it that because we were so used to it, or perhaps because the gin was flowing a little too freely? Or maybe it was because of the ‘lily-livered, half assed attempt at setting lockdown rules and boundries’? During this lockdown, there were teams of people meeting in the park, playing rugby (errr try doing that socially distanced!), circuit training, catching up with friends…were they in their bubble? Who the f##k knows! There was absolutely no police presence during this time! People were kind of going about ‘business as normal…just outside!

Paranoia began setting in. Walking along the street, eyeballing people who passed by….’are you one of the infected?’ Trying to give people a wide birth, without being killed by oncoming traffic! Once, while walking, a cyclist went past, you know the type…head to toe lycra, the weird shoes that are stuck to the peddles…a proper serious biker, he cycled silently past my right shoulder, unmasked. I didn’t even know he was there until he coughed up a lung, which was then carried by the down draft, straight into my face! I nearly ran all the way home, stripped off, boil washed my clothes, downed a bottle of listerine like it was Lambrini, showering myself in bleach and disinfectant…well, if it’s good enough for Trump! For the next 2 weeks I took my temperature daily…

The unfortunate thing is, my entire household suffers terribly with Hayfever! Any sufferer will tell you that the entire summer feels as though you are fighting flu, add to that, wheezing and itching everywhere…well, you can see that this was a stressful time! My thermometer was my best friend, and as long as it kept flashing green at me, telling me I was 37.5 degrees, we would stay that way!

Someone told me that, these days it is more socially acceptable to fart in public than it is to cough! And, after a pollen fuelled coughing fit, that had me crouching in a quiet corner of the M&S foodhall, trying to be invisible, coughing weirdly inside my mask, with my sweatshirt pulled up over my face…I can concur! The shame….

Lockdown 3- This is Getting Bloody Old

After a lack lustre Christmas, despite putting the decs up in October, we entered 2021 and our 3rd ‘proper’ lockdown…none of this ‘tiered 1-5 nonsense. The government took the gloves off and like the naughty children we all are, they have sent us to our rooms!

My biggest concern was organising my husbands 50th Birthday in lockdown! My twins turned 21 in October, we had our Silver Wedding Anniversary in Nov and to be honest, they were both a bit of a wash out! My husbands 50th is a biggy, not just for his enormous age, but this year is also the year he is 5 years cancer free and signed off! Worth celebration…at one point we doubted he would see 47, let alone 50!

But shit is getting very real! 

We have been really well behaved. Worn our masks, washed our hands…a lot, stayed home, not broken lockdown/tier rules. We did however, visit the barber (well, my husband and son did) and they went to the gym…following rules! I foolishly really believed that we weren’t going to get Covid…and then my son tested positive, this week!

He’s ok, feeling really poo, can’t taste a thing, really tired, but no fever or terrible cough as yet…touch wood! 

Can I just say, my son is 21 and I love him with all my heart. I would gladly take a bullet for him…however…as soon as that positive result came back, I have relegated him to his room, put a big black cross on the door and followed him after every visit to the bathroom with a mask, marigolds and a bottle of bleach! Door handles, light switches…if he’s looked at it, it’s getting nuked!

We have lovingly nick named him ‘Covid boy’,

“You’re in our breathing space Covid boy”.

“Errr, did you just spit a little as you talked?”

“Have you burnt your sheets yet?”.

I care for him as any loving mother would, don the hazmat gear to take his lunch into him, to give him his vitamins and painkillers.

But, all joking aside…I am scared! We felt we were following the rules…being good citizens! Wearing our masks…ok, so I don’t wash the groceries anymore, but you know what I am saying! But it’s here, in my home and my little boy is sick! No one knows how this will go…he may shake it off like a bad cold, or he may take a turn for the worse…and my heart hurts at the thought of it! I am watching over him like a hawk, reassuring him, whilst secretly petrified. We tease him to reassure him that we are totally chilled and unconcerned. We are not!

Then, there is the shame…telling people! My god, I feel like I am confessing to being a Trump supporter and the shame I feel is very real! People do judge too, from their Ivory lockdown towers, people can be sanctimonious and harsh, add to that afraid, and you find yourself more isolated than you ever thought possible!

I’m scared. Scared I will get ill and die, scared that my husband, not yet signed off from cancer treatment, will get ill and die! This all totally sucks balls! We have entered into our 3rd lockdown hopeful that this one would pass like the others. We were wrong! Now we sit in isolation and wait…

Can anyone pick me up a bottle of milk please…don’t worry about the gin, Amazon delivering that later on.