So…how’s lockdown 3 working out for you guys so far?
Here’s my observations regarding this pretty sh#tty situation we all find ourselves in…
Lockdown 1- The Novelty Phase
Now, I am only speaking for myself, but this phase definitely had a ‘holiday’ vibe, or at the very least a ‘snow day’ feel! Those of us not used to the joys of working from home getting swept up in the giddy excitement of wearing our PJ’s to work! The thrill of taking a zoom call, secure in the knowledge that no-one had a clue that you weren’t wearing anything, from the waist down, but the knickers you wore to bed the night before!
Let us not underplay the euphoria of getting that extra hour in bed each day, saved from the usual trials of the morning commute to the office, shouting at the ‘charitable Karen’ one car in front, giving way to every Tom, Dick, and bloody Harry! Smacking the steering wheel in frustration…
“SOME OF US HAVE A JOB TO GET TO KAREN! MOVE…THE…F##K…ALONG!!!”
“AMBER DOES NOT MEAN STOP…IT MEANS ‘PUT…YOUR…F##KING…FOOT DOWN!”
“WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR???? A WRITTEN INVITATION TO PULL THE F##K OUT???”
Working from home, where your most pressing concern is ensuring the mouse gets regularly ‘wiggled’ before the screen times out, alerting bosses and colleagues that you have stepped away from the dining table/home office, slacking in your duties, to bake that biscuit recipe you saw on Instagram.
Working from home, where according to your office protocols, it is perfectly acceptable to pour yourself a triple G&T before the working day is done…after all, it’s not like you have to drive anywhere! Although…in hind sight, it’s probably best that you get all the important emails done before ‘wine o’clock’, could save some uncomfortable conversations later!
The reality of Covid was terrifying, but from the safety of the same four walls, seemed like something that ‘other people’ get! After all, no virus could survive the amount of gin being knocked back…alcohol kills germs, right???
The number one, biggest fear at this point? Running out of loo roll!!! Remember those empty shelves? Who the hell decided that, because of this deadly pandemic, our number one commodity and priority was bog roll! What sheep we all are…I scoffed at the idiots for bulk buying and denying the elderly their fundamental right to wipe their ass in comfort!!! And yet…there I was, first in line at the supermarket, thermometer firmly positioned rectally, to prove to the security detail on the door (that’s right, we will all look back and remember the times when it was harder to enter Waitrose for a weekly shop, than storm the Capitol in Washington!) that I was not one of the infected! Making a beeline for the toilet roll aisle, after re-stock, like a bowling ball on a collision course for a strike! Stopping for no one…
“Outta the way grandma….’
Oh, and the joy of living in a city, when you realise that Deliveroo don’t just deliver takeaway! Groceries, ice cream, not loo roll, but definitely booze…all just a click away! Let the poor Deliveroo couriers fight their way through the Zombie like apocalypse outside, to bring you yet another bottle of Pinot Grigio…! Also, realising that you can buy booze…in bulk…from Amazon…cheaper than the stupid supermarket too!!! It really is the small things in life that bring joy!
During this first lockdown, I lived in an apartment looking over a park. I loved living vicariously through the dogs running freely outside. Their ‘poo trips’ deemed essential, and as such they ran freely with wild abandon…not bound by convention, slaves to 2 ply, soft touch toilet tissue…no! They were free!
Whilst watching these dogs, I noticed quite a large number of people flouting the lockdown rules! Other residents, meeting on the lawn…definitely NOT a ‘pig apart’ in distance, sharing beers, bottles of wine and whilst I envied them their break from the isolation, I resented them more! It became a daily obsession. I became that curtain twitching busy body:
‘STEVEN…COME HERE…their bloody out there again. Look at them, smug tw#ts! Not a bloody care in the world! They’re on their 3rd bottle of wine…They sent the tall one back to the flat to get more! OUTRAGeous….Steve…can you see? Look at them…Oh, and babe, can you top me up please? Don’t give me that slimline sh#t either….’
The biggest thrill of my day was when the police rocked up on their bikes, to give them a ticking off and move them all along…but, less than an hour later, they would return, and this time with canopes! F##kers!!!!
We set ourselves a challenge, to give our day purpose! We would work from 8-5, no TV, no talking, then we would cook some banana loaf or soda bread, drink more gin and start our movie marathon! Our first challenge was to watch all the Marvel films in chronological order, then the Jason Bourne films, all the Rambo’s, Hunger Games, Divergent, even the 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy (got to get our exercise in somehow…those homemade, gin fuelled calories don’t just burn themselves)!
Lockdown 2- What???
Is it just me? But I can barely remember this one! Is it that because we were so used to it, or perhaps because the gin was flowing a little too freely? Or maybe it was because of the ‘lily-livered, half assed attempt at setting lockdown rules and boundries’? During this lockdown, there were teams of people meeting in the park, playing rugby (errr try doing that socially distanced!), circuit training, catching up with friends…were they in their bubble? Who the f##k knows! There was absolutely no police presence during this time! People were kind of going about ‘business as normal…just outside!
Paranoia began setting in. Walking along the street, eyeballing people who passed by….’are you one of the infected?’ Trying to give people a wide birth, without being killed by oncoming traffic! Once, while walking, a cyclist went past, you know the type…head to toe lycra, the weird shoes that are stuck to the peddles…a proper serious biker, he cycled silently past my right shoulder, unmasked. I didn’t even know he was there until he coughed up a lung, which was then carried by the down draft, straight into my face! I nearly ran all the way home, stripped off, boil washed my clothes, downed a bottle of listerine like it was Lambrini, showered myself in bleach and disinfectant…well, if it’s good enough for Trump! For the next 2 weeks I took my temperature daily…
The unfortunate thing is, my entire household suffers terribly with Hayfever! Any sufferer will tell you that the entire summer feels as though you are fighting flu, add to that, wheezing and itching everywhere…well, you can see that this was a stressful time! My thermometer was my best friend, and as long as it kept flashing green at me, telling me I was 37.5 degrees, we would stay that way!
Someone told me that, these days it is more socially acceptable to fart in public than it is to cough! And, after a pollen fuelled coughing fit, that had me crouching in a quiet corner of the M&S foodhall, trying to be invisible, coughing weirdly inside my mask, with my sweatshirt pulled up over my face…I can concur! The shame….
Lockdown 3- This is Getting Bloody Old
After a lack lustre Christmas, despite putting the decs up in October, we entered 2021 and our 3rd ‘proper’ lockdown…none of this ‘tiered 1-5 nonsense. The government took the gloves off and like the naughty children we all are, they sent us all to our rooms!
My biggest concern was organising my husbands 50th Birthday in lockdown! My twins turned 21 in October, we had our Silver Wedding Anniversary in Nov and to be honest, they were both a bit of a wash out! My husbands 50th is a biggy, not just for his enormous age, but this year is also the year he is 5 years cancer free and signed off! Worth celebration…at one point we doubted he would see 47, let alone 50!
But shit is getting very real!
We have been really well behaved. Worn our masks, washed our hands…a lot, stayed home, not broken lockdown/tier rules. We did however, visit the barber (well, my husband and son did) and they went to the gym…following rules! I foolishly really believed that we weren’t going to get Covid…and then my son tested positive, this week!
He’s ok, feeling really poo, can’t taste a thing, really tired, but no fever or terrible cough as yet…touch wood!
Can I just say, my son is 21 and I love him with all my heart. I would gladly take a bullet for him…however…as soon as that positive result came back, I relegated him to his bedroom, put a big black cross on the door and followed him after every visit to the bathroom with a mask, marigolds and a bottle of bleach! Door handles, light switches…if he as much as looked at it, it’s getting nuked!
We have lovingly nick named him ‘Covid boy’,
“You’re in our breathing space Covid boy”.
“Errr, did you just spit a little as you talked?”
“Have you burnt your sheets yet?”.
I care for him as any loving mother would: don the hazmat gear to take his lunch into him, to give him his vitamins and painkillers.
But, all joking aside…I am scared! We felt we were following the rules…being good citizens! Wearing our masks…ok, so I don’t wash the groceries anymore, but you know what I am saying! Despite it all, it’s here, in my home and my little boy is sick! No one knows how this will go…he may shake it off like a bad cold, or he may take a turn for the worse…and my heart hurts at the thought of it! I am watching over him like a hawk, reassuring him, whilst secretly petrified. We tease him to reassure him that we are totally chilled and unconcerned. We are not!
Then, there is the shame…telling people!
My god, I feel like I am confessing to being a Trump supporter or something, and the shame I feel is very real! People are judgemental, from their Ivory lockdown towers, people can be sanctimonious and harsh, add to that afraid, and you find yourself more isolated than you ever thought possible!
Last week, whilst idly looking through my Instagram feed, after making a conscious choice NOT to look at Covid news updates or watch ‘bad’ News channels on TV, I came across a young, attractive woman talking earnestly into the camera. My first mistake? Turning up the volume! My second mistake? Watching the video in full! Having struggled with my own mental health all my life, I have found myself drawn to fellow sufferers, to feel less alone and because their stories of healing inspire me… So, this very articulate women spoke, and peaked my interest!
It transpired that she was a conspiracy theorist, claiming that Covid was no worse than the annual flu, that the numbers are hugely inflated simply because there is more testing being done and, whilst my initial reaction was,
‘ok, step down Trump’,
as I watched on, her words began to make sense! Don’t get me wrong…there was ridiculous talk of micro-chips, and rising up to fight back for control of our own lives, and to be honest, that was where she began to lose me!. The most terrifying and disturbing part was how believable, articulate and ‘normal’ she seemed! It struck fear into my heart. How many emotionally vulnerable people will be sucked in by this? How many people, as a result, will refuse the vaccine, refuse to wear masks and isolate. How many people will rise up and make a stand as she instructed them so eloquently? She had been inspired by the scenes at the US Capitol, scenes that had left me feeling disgusted and ashamed to be human! Ever since watching this, and after a morning spent in tears, I have been left deeply scared.
Scared that this will never end unless people follow the guidelines, stay home, wear masks, get vaccinated. Scared for the future of my sons, not just about their survival, but what their futures will look like after all this is over. Scared for a world, depleted and crippled by its losses. For an economy that must sustain enough to feed and support those in need. Scared I will get ill and die, unable to protect my loved ones, scared that my husband, not yet signed off from cancer treatment, will get ill and die! This all totally sucks balls! We have entered into our 3rd lockdown hopeful that this one would pass like the others. We were wrong! Now we sit in isolation and we wait…
Can anyone pick me up a bottle of milk please…don’t worry about the gin, Amazon delivering that later on.
Love and light to all those whose world has been turned upside down and inside out during this time. Life may be hard right now, you may have lost hope, but that does not mean that hope is lost.
Lisa Courtier
Nurturer, mum to 'growed' ups, writer, public speaker. Surviving trauma and the chaos of life with hope and humor. 