My Lockdown Bubble

Is it old age, or just life in general? There seems to be a boat load of change headed my way at the moment and it hasn’t all been plain sailing! The waters may appear ‘Dead Calm’, but much like the film of that title, you just know there are going to be ‘jump scare’ moments and a shit load of drama none the less! I mean come on, why wouldn’t there be…this is my life after all!

The change that’s coming is currently hanging over my head, suspended with rope, dangerously close to a burning candle. The longer it hangs there, the more burnt and frayed the rope becomes, like some karmic, James Bond of old, booby trap. I know it’s going to drop at any second and the anticipation is killing me. Ok, ok…that may be a little melodramatic, but it is definitely flaring up my irritable bowel and that sucks too!!

So what has got my knickers (and bowel) in such a knot?

The simple answer is ‘everything’!

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There is no denying that I am a woman of age, the Covid 19 crises, and consequent closure of all hairdressers has seen to that! Grey is most definitely not a good colour on me (she says, crying into her Gin)! That and the rogue hairs that are sprouting from the various orifices on my face…(which are rather annoyingly not grey, but black and spiky just so they can stand out even more)!!!

What I see in the mirror right now scares the shit out of me! I don’t belong in an executive city pad, typing away on my iMac and my iPad, playing stupid games on my iPhone day in day out…no! The way I look right now, I would be more suited to a gloomy, cobweb strewn cave, dancing around a cauldron with my coven!

I must confess, and I feel pretty sure that I am not alone in this, that I have not worn a bra since lockdown began! In fact, I can’t remember the last time I wore something that actually had a waistband (elasticated waistbands don’t count ladies)! In my defense though, I’m not alone! My other half has lost all track of time, and days even. For him ‘loungewear’ has become ‘bedwear’, ‘workwear’, ‘going to the supermarket wear’! His jersey shorts may need to be surgically removed by the time he has to actually step foot back into his ‘real’ place of work! Don’t even get me started on the food stains down the front of his matching hoody! How that man can miss a target like that, I will never know!

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At the start of all this I predicted a steep rise in pregnancies and divorce rates! Being in isolation with your partner for such a prolonged period of time was bound to be ‘make or break’ for many! It’s hardly surprising when you think about it. Humans aren’t meant to live in captivity…unless you are a murderer or something. Much longer of this isolation and we’ll be grunting and flinging poo at each other like wild animals in a zoo!

That being said, Steve and I have maintained a good balance and seem to be doing ok! I think the lack of care we are taking in our appearance and personal hygiene actually helps! Naturally we have given each other space. In failing to notice each others appearance, we don’t have to feel bad for our state of ‘unkemptness’. So basically, I get out of bed an hour or so after Steve, silently accept the morning coffee he so thoughtfully makes me everyday upon rising. Walk the 4 metres distance from Steve’s make shift work station on the dining table, to my spot on the sofa. I pop on my headphones and start writing. No words are uttered until 5:30pm, when we down tools, switch on ‘The Chase’ and pour our first Gin of the day! We are like a well oiled, finely tuned machine!

“Have you had a good day at work Steve?”

“Did you get much done today Lisa?”

“Actually Steve, I have…I’m up to level 52 now, reinforced the compound and today I killed a ‘level 20 Infected Zombie’! Result. I got some new weapons and upgraded my flame thrower too…it’s been a really productive day thanks!”

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Lets be honest, we’ve been married 25 years and I neither have the ‘pipe work’ nor the inclination to worry about pregnancy, besides ‘how’s yer father’ is a bit too much like hard work these days. In my book anything that makes you sweat or lose your breath can’t be good for you and, in my defense…I do have arthritic hips!!! A quickie in Steve’s book rarely takes under an hour, and after that much time, legs a-kimbo, I need a crank to get my knees back together. To be brutally honest it’s all a bit unromantic these days. With the passage of time, the wobbly bits just get wobblier and logistically it can get tricky,

“Can you pass me that pillow?”

“Ouch…OUCHHHH…I’ve got cramp!”

“Hang on a sec…I need the loo.”

‘Squeeeeaaakkk’…..“Yuk…was that you????”

“Crap, I forgot to pay the Council Tax….hold that thought. I can pay it on my phone now…hang on a sec…”

Romantic!

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So, in summary lockdown hasn’t been too unkind to us as a couple, but personally? That’s a whole other story!

I expect I am not unusual in that, this time has enabled me to really ‘self reflect’, or in other words; I’ve got so bored that my overactive brain has had no alternative but to pick apart my life and my character in the minutest detail! The impacts of this are two fold. I swing from moments of extreme highs:

‘I’m going to write a series of self-help books, spreading love and light, become a best seller, tour the world doing book signings and sell out public speaking engagements, become an influencer, learn that Tik Tok dance, learn to speak Italian and make millions!!!’,

to:

‘No-one will buy my books. Who am I to advise anyone on anything? I can’t write, my grammar sucks, my writing is amateurish. The only thing I’m good at is….ummmm….errrrr, I’m really good at….I can cook! I love my kids, I’m a good wife…when I’m wearing a bra…and washing…! F##k it! I’m never going to amount to anything!’

A girl could get whiplash from the 360’s I’ve been doing, and the men in my life are more than a little frustrated with me! ‘What do you tell us mum? You tell us we can be whatever we want to be, but we need to get off our ass and make it happen!!!’

“Mum…get off your ass!”

How did my boys get so goddamn smart??? Must be from their dad!

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So lockdown for me has been a time of epiphanies and rude awakenings. I have gained two daughters and lost a son, gained a dog and lost it, started a business and ended it, written a book and published it, finished a book and discarded it, started a new book, had an identity crisis and started therapy again, have found somewhere to move to and applied for a mortgage. Despite all the ups and downs, from my lockdown bubble I am managing and surviving and in that sense the worlds ‘new normal’ has served me well. But the time to emerge from the bubble is approaching and I am not feeling too comfy about it. Time for me to make a stand and choose. Embrace the change that’s coming or fight it!

For 23 years I have been a mum and believe you and me, it has been a labour of love. We all know parenting is hard, actually that doesn’t do it justice! Parenting is beyond hard, it’s ball crushingly, heart rippingly, mind numbingly, teeth grindingly, nail bitingly, ovary shrivelingly hard!!! (How’s that for creative license…the words are totally ‘made up’, but you catch my drift.) Those of you who have read my book will have had the smallest glimpse into the soap opera that is our family, but trust me when I say, that book barely touches the sides! It’s been an interesting, riotous and highly educational 23 years, let’s just say that! During that time I won’t lie, there have been many, many days I had prayed to all that was holy, to save me and deliver me from my lot! That one day my boys would;

1. Survive their upbringings

2. Get along

3. Be happy & healthy

4. Leave home as soon as legally able!!!

3 outta 4 isn’t bad I guess!

And that brings us to now! They are moving on, and ouch…how it hurts! I’ve been fortunate to have them all stay close to home up to now, so the separation has been painless and gradual…so far! One of my boys is moving away to be with his girlfriend, I mean away, AWAY. No longer on my doorstep and as happy as I am that he has the confidence to make such a leap, that he has found someone special, it still bloody smarts, let me tell you! He’s not known for his telephone or texting skills. Simply answering the phone is a monumental challenge for him, so I am going to feel every mile of distance keenly.

My other son has stepped away from the family after a huge fall out with his brothers…

‼️Disclaimer: When I encouraged all 4 of my boys to rent a house together how the crap was I supposed to foresee a Pandemic that would have all of them, along with their raging testosterone and girlfriends, confined to quarters 24-7 for 2 long months??? With 3 of them on the spectrum! This was never going to end well!

He feels things differently and on a far deeper level than many. He is on the Spectrum, with ADHD, so when he makes a decision he rarely budges. He has made the painful choice to step away from the ‘noise’ and mess of our family life and ‘go it alone’ with his girlfriend. I am heartbroken, but so, so proud that he is able to do this. They say time is a great healer, I bloody hope so. I miss him!

Steve has been informed he will be returning to work, so no more ‘working from home’ with me, ignoring him and his tired gym shorts from the sofa. My eldest is moving in with his girlfriend. My youngest will be moving away for 16 weeks for training. My mum who has late stage Alzheimer’s, has just been moved to a new nursing home after the hospital she has been in for the last 6 months have been unable to help regulate her violent outbursts with medication…

It’s all change, new homes, new towns, new people, new careers, new projects, losses and wins! It’s hardly surprising I’m reluctant to leave my bubble!

‘Sniff, sniff’…Is it me or can you smell burning rope???

Anyway, must get on…the poo won’t fling itself! Besides, if I’m about to be released from captivity into the wild, I need to purchase some hair dye, razors, industrial grade, tummy control underwear and a life!

What have you taken from lockdown???